Kain Karts
by Enter Insanity
Summary: A crazy idea brought together by the Legacy of Kain Collab!If you've ever played Mario Karts, this is our verson... Yet there will have more chaos than a riot in China in the past. A little rom..
1. Chapter 1

**Another Mariokart rip-off**

Elder God: Hello and welcome to the racing game of the era. Not to be missed! Although, anyone who wishes to see the repeat may have it, only if they kill themselves without delay. So without further ado, let us introduce the racers. Raziel!

(He strolls out and takes his bows to massive cheering, climbing into his car as his pit crew make the final adjustments.)

Elder God: Alas, Kain is currently indisposed, but he sends his apologies and a contestant to take his place. Please welcome...Morlock!

(Some indifferent cheers.)

Elder God: And of course, no race would be complete without representation from the God of Nosgoth, so next up...Moebius!

(Dead silence.)

Elder God: Hmm...Not a popular choice there. Please welcome our next contestant, some of you might remember him, most won't, but due to lack of interest from most Nosgothians, sadly, our next contestant is no household name...John!

(General bewilderment)

Elder God: The man who operates the dais in the Nexus stone chamber.

(John takes his place in a rickety kart that is barely holding together.)

Elder God: Now, as I said, lack of interest has forced us to scrounge for our last contestants, so please welcome...Irmok!

(Irmok wanders on, still carrying his cauldron.)

Elder God: And, last, but hopefully not least, the only person here who actually knows how to work their Kart, needing no introduction...The Builder!

(No reaction.)

Elder God: And, now that we've met the racers, let's have a look at the course, shall we?

(The camera pans over it.)

Elder God: As you can see, the course is very simple. It is basically a circle, with a few variations, such as the hairpin bend and spiral. I have placed several tentacles in places along the track, where they will attempt to destroy any Kart that comes close. Other obstacles include the pools of water. The corpses strewn along the track are merely remnants from the previous race, please ignore them. Power ups include time-streaming devices, which allow you to move faster or slower depending on the type. The pools of blood will sustain the vampires; I have supplied several souls for Raziel. The humans will use the nitrous oxide cartons. The coins are for the toll booth, but sadly the toll personnel have not turned up today. Races are two laps. The race will start...Now!

-And Irmok appears to be having engine trouble as his cart revolves on the starting line. It seems his race is over before it has begun. –Moebius is moving at a reasonable speed, but his Kart does not have the stamina to keep up with the leaders-

-Raziel and the builder are having a very good battle up front, neck and neck, with Morlock not far behind. John's Kart is trundling slowly around the course, determined but dull-

-And The Builder has pulled ahead after turning on the turbo charge, he's already a good fifty yards ahead, it looks like the race is won already. What can Raziel do?-

-And it appears he's shifting planes. Moving to Spectralvision now for the benefit of our audiences-

-And Raziel is having a good battle with two sluagh who have somehow appropriated Karts, its tough going now, and Raziel is forced to switch back to Material as he passes a corpse in the track-

-And in material now, Raziel is well ahead, he phased through the toll booth in spectral and is on the verge of lapping Moebius, who reacts with admirable deviousness to Raziel's gleeful taunt, slowing time just as Raziel passes beneath a tentacle, causing his Kart to be crushed and knocked out of the running-

-The Builder seems to be a cert for first place now, with no one near enough to contest the title-

-But no, he was unfortunate enough to pick up a quickening Time streaming device, and with his Kart already at turbo speed, there's nothing he can do to prevent himself crashing into the toll-booth, thus clearing the way for Morlock behind.-

-Morlock coasts past John with feeble contempt-

-And Now Morlock fires a telekinetic projectile at Moebius from behind, it strikes dead on and damages his Kart enough to knock him out of the running.-

-Morlock slows down as he realizes no-one can contest the title now-

-But it is not to be, as Moebius clambers free of the wreckage and activates his staff-

-Morlock's Kart crashes into the boundary as he is wracked with pain-

-And John trundles round the course...slowly. Very, very, slowly. And carefully. And there's nothing anyone can do about it.

_Half an hour later..._

Elder God: And he crosses the finish line... Well, that was an outcome nobody expected except me, as the omniscient and omnipotent God of Nosgoth. In fact, I had an archon place a bet. I'M RICH!. I wonder how the other contestants will take it. Join us next time, for the post race interviews. Goodbye, folks.

Chapter By: Clement Rage


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The very second the racers were out of their ruined carts and in their designated areas, they were bombarded with reporters. They tried the most popular of the racers, Raziel, first.

"Mr. Raziel, now that your no longer taking part in the races, what will you be doing now?" asked the first reporter.

"Well, probably just wandering around the Underworld, pissing off the Elder. You know." answered the wraith.

"Uh-huh, well, how do you feel about having being beaten by a second-rate character, and even worse, when you came SO close to victory?" asked a second paparazzi scumbag.

The foolish reporter was answered with a familar wraith's claws wrapped around his throat and his neck going '_snap_'. The lifeless body fell to the ground in a heap.

"Let's just say, I'm _upset_."

The other reporters wisely decided to void their bowels and run the hell away. They tried the Builder next.

"Uh, sir, why did you build John's car so crappy?" asked the first reporter.

"Hey! The Author's put this thing together in a hurry, and I had like ten minutes, I think I deserve some credit. Besides, The crappier the other's cars, the better my chances, right?

"Yeah, but how do you feel about losing to the worst car on the track?" asked a third, filling in for the dead reporter, rotting a few feet away.

At this, the Builder started to get teary eyed, then started crying, altogether.

"It's not fair! They cheated! I built the damned cars! I designed mine for speed! I should have won! They cheated!"

The reporters then decided to leave the crying Hylden alone. They decided to interview the winner of the race, John, next. Now that John had won, and gotten a heap of cash, he was dressed in clothes fit for a king and sporting a cool pair of shades.(_Kind of like Protoman.-Chibi Soultail_)

"John, now that you've won, do you plan on continuing your job as a dial turner?" asked an interviewer.

"Sure, the job has benefits." answered the victor.

"... Ok ..." responded the news channeler, confused to what kind of benefits a dial turner could have. " So, now that you've won and proven that second-rate characters can be great ones, what are you going to do now?"

John thought for a moment and then smiled. You could now see John was in a bad as hell sports car, surrounded by lovely women, both human and vampire alike.

"I'm going to Disney World!" he yelled happily.

And with that, he raced off, shouting 'Mickey Mouse'.

The reporters were now a little mad at not being able to finish their interviews, but they decided to try one last time. This time, the would-be god, the Elder.

"Mr. Squid-" started a reporter, but was cut off.

"Silence! I am no squid! I am All that Is! I am the Hub of the Wheel of Fate, I am the God of all of Nosgoth. I-"

"Yeah, sure, Mr. Squid, you apparantly made a huge bet on the underdog John before the race, with all this money, do you plan on continuing your job as announcer, judge, and odd jobs?" asked the reporter.

The giant squid chuckled.

"Oh, hell no. With this money, I shall return to the Underworld, a much richer god, and control your lives even more. Bye!"

And with that, the false god burrowed deep underground.

The reporters looked at each other and simply walked away. However; miles away, four Authors were watching the interviews on a big screen, with shocked expressions.

"Whoa whoa whoa, he can't do that, can he? We have him under contract!" cried Mr. Mxyzptlk, a young looking Author wearing a black leisure suit.(_Chibi Mr. Mxyzptlk- That's me!_)

"Yeah! You hooked it up, didn't you, Mxy?" asked Fantastic Flying Ferret, a lovely female Author wearing a very lavish dress, who also had imagination to burn.(_And me, as well-Chibi FFF_)

"No! I hooked up the tracks!" cried Mxyzptlk. "Weren't you supposed to do it, Ctec?"

"No! I bought the snacks!" countered Lil' Ctec, a young male Author wearing normal clothes but one could closely tell, he wasn't normal.

(_Chibi Ctec-Don't I look cool?_)

"Well, I sure as hell didn't do it, I convinced the Circle of Nine to sponser these races!" said Clement Rage, a powerful Author wearing all blue clothes, like Megaman X.(_Chibi CR-Who rules!_)

"Well, I convinced the racers to take part!" said FFF.

"Well, then, who was in charge of the contracts?" asked Mxyzptlk.

All eyes turned slowly to the fifth and final Author in the room, a young, odd Author. She was a bit short, with twelve fox tails, a robotic contraption hooked up to her head, and strange(almost slivery-colored)eyes. She wore red-coloured bib overalls and was currently laying down on her back, on a couch, listening to music and reading a magazine, probably a manga. This was Soultail Omega-Light, the most... energetic of the group. (_Chibi Soul: Hey, that's me! I'm the cute one!_)

"No way." said Clement Rage.

"I doubt it..." said FFF slowly.

"Please tell me we are not that stupid." said Lil' Ctec.

Mr. Mxyzptlk simply looked nervous.

Mxyzptlk walked over to Soultail and took off her headphones.

"Hey!" shouted Soultail at him in indignation.

"Soultail, listen, this is very important. Did we give you some papers to take to the offices?" asked the black-attired Author.

"Uh... oh yeah!" said the fox-tailed author after a few seconds of thinking about what he had asked her.

There was a groan from the others.

"Did you do it?" asked FFF while raising an eyebrow to question her actions.

"Yup!" cried Soultail happily, pulling out a few papers from her pocket. "Here are some copies."

There was a sigh of relief amongst the Authors.

Mxy looked at them in close intent and closed his eyes in disgust after a few seconds of unbelief.

"Soultail." he said.

"Yeah?"

"These papers aren't signed!" he shouted at her in fury.

"Perfect." said Ctec sarcastically while putting his hand on his face in embarassment.

Soultail smile sheepishly and looked down at her feet.

"Well, now what? Whose gonna do all the work at the tracks?" asked Clement Rage.

There was a few minutes silence.

"Why don't we do it?" asked FFF.

"We're Authors! We don't do any actual work!" objected Soultail.

Her fellow Authors glared at her to warn her to pipe down, which she quickly did.

"That's not a bad idea." said Ctec.

"We don't have a choice." said Mxyzptlk.

"Who does what, though?" asked Ctec.

"I get to be Announcer!" FFF cried happily, forgetting the troubles.

"I guess I'll be Judge." said Mr. Mxy.

"Snack Vendor." said Ctec, picking the easiest sounding job.

"Uh... Security." said Celemnt Rage.

"Wait... that leaves me with Pit Crew duty!" said Soultail.

"Good." said Ctec as the four other Authors walked away, before Soultail could say anything else.

After they left, she finally said out to them while running after them, "Hey, wait for me."

_1 Hour Later..._

The five friends stood in front of the wreak that was the main course. Almost everything was a disaster.

"This is...ok." said FFF, stepping over a corpse.

"There is no way we can do this." said Clement.

"What! Are you guys giving up now?" asked Soultail.

The other Authors merely shrugged.

"When Abraham Lincoln was fighting the war with his own country, did he give up? When the Jedi were being killed off by the Dark Side, did they give up? When the Trojans were fighting the Greeks, did they give up?"

"They lost." said Mr. Mxyzptlk.

"What?"

"They didn't give up, they just lost."

The five were silent for a few moments.

"Ah, what the hell, let's give it a shot." said Clement in defeat.

"Sure, all we have to do is mend the tracks, repair the walls, clean up the bleachers, arrange and dust up the corpses, make an announcer booth and a judge booth, buy tons of cheap snacks to sell at a higher price, convince the racers that lost to come back, fix the carts, make some new ones and buy some tools and spare parts." said Ctec. "And we have to do all that before the next race starts in... 24 hours."

"Great, I like our odds." said FFF.

Over the next few hours, the Authors had bought the snacks, repaired the tracks and Ctec and Clement were currently fixing the cracks in the walls.

"How did we end up doing this?" asked Ctec.

"Mxy said he had a great idea, and the girls went off for the racers." responded the fellow Author.

"Yeah, well, this tar and cement stink." said Lil' Ctec.

"Yeah, well, after a few hours with you, it's not so bad..." said Clement quietly.

"What was that?" asked Ctec.

"Nothing." said the Author to his friend. "Just that you reek."

"That's it!" cried the offended Author as he lunged at Clement and pinned him down, Clement threw him off, while Ctec gathered a wet ball of tar. He threw the putrid ball, Clement ducked and who should it hit, square in the face, but Mr. Mxy.

"Having fun?" asked the stinking Author, as tar dripped from his eyebrows.

"Uh... kinda." said Clement.

"Great. Hey, I brought some help." said Mr. Mxyzptlk, wiping the gunk off him and pointing behind his back, where five large demons and Moebius the Time-Streamer stood.

"What do we need them for?" asked Ctec.

"Yeah, why do we need unlimited muscle and time-stopping abilities to help us with our work?" asked the annoyed Author. "Say, where are the girls?" asked Mr. Mxy.

"Oh, they went to get the racers." said Clement.

"Oh... wait... who did they go to get?"

"Uh... I think, Raziel, Rahab, Kain, and Janos were first."

Mxyzptlk stood there, staring at his friends for a second.

"Be right back." he said.

_At Janos' Mountain Home..._

Mr. Mxy mumbled to himself grumpily as he walked through the halls of Jano's great home, he opened the door leading to the main room and what do you think he saw?

FFF, Soultail, Janos, Kain, Rahab and Raziel all making out, well, the boys with the girls, anyway.

Mr. Mxy shook his head in disbelief and then, coughed loudly to gain their attention.

Fantastic Flying Ferret and Soultail looked at him and blushed the shade of brightest red that the vampires and wraith had ever saw in their entire unlives.

"We... uh..." stumbled FFF.

"Don't want to hear it, come on, you can have fun later, but right now, we got work to do." said Mxy, grabbing them by their collars and dragging them away. "I'll give you each two hundred bucks, if you race." he said to the undead men.

The three vampires and the wraith nodded and agreed.

And with that, Mr. Mxy walked off, dragging the two girls with him, who were desperately trying to get away from him and back to their fun.

_1 day later..._

The five looked at their accomplished work. Everything was perfect. A Judge booth, an Announcer booth, everything was fixed and clean, the racers were assembled and each had their own cart and the stadium was packed with humans and vampires!

"Well, we did it." said Clement proudly.

"Yup, and we did it all in a day." said FFF.

She and Soultail, were still mad at Mxyzptlk for pulling them away from their fun that they were having with the extremely cute guys.

"Yeah, told you it helped with Moebius and his demons." said Mxy, looking over to the six mentioned. "Thanks, guys."

Moebius held out his shrieveld hand. "Pay up."

Mr. Mxyzptlk sighed and payed Moebius three hundred dollars.

"Greedy bastard." he mumbled.

"Well, let the races begin!" cried FFF.

Chapter By: Mr. Mxyzptlk


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: _We only own the chibi versons of ourselves, while everyone else belongs to their respective companies.-Soultail Omega-Light

Mr. Mxyzptlk had gotten the nervous walk down to a fine art as he made his way toward Clement's security gate. He was on edge; the poor straw he was holding was almost twisted beyond use.(_Chibi Mr. Mxy- Hey, I can't help being nervous like that because that's alot of responsibilites on my part)_Out of the other Authors, he was the brains of the operation and therefore, meant that anything that does go wrong, falls right into his lap (mainly because the others were simply lazy with the paper work, airplanes are much more fun)(_Kinda makes you think of X on his bad day at work, eh?-Chibi Soultail. Mr. Mxy-__that's true_).

So far, Clement Rage had taking his security job very seriously.(_very_ _much like Zero Omega-Wily.-Chibi Soultail. Chibi Axl-tell me about it._)He had gotten the racers in with hardly any problems from the fan girls, unless they counted Soultail and her rather embarrassing full sized poster of Janos that she desperately needed autograph by him. A painted yellow and black boom gate covered the service driveway, permitting entry only to food trucks, mechanical trucks for Soultail and television crews, how the Spirit World managed to actually get a TV station was beyond Mr. Mxy.

The metallic pole however was being held by a black demon that looked more likely to wrap it around some poor sod's head then anything else. Clement met Mxyzptlk with a roll of the eyes at seeing the little straw.(_Chibi Clement Rage- Sheesh, this guy needs to relax._)

'Clement, if you're done here, can you make your way up to the boxes and make sure that Ferret hasn't re-decorated the Announcer's box to the color of a hideous pink.'

'Sure, and mate, relax, will ya, nothing is going to get past these gates while I'm in charge.' Clement replied confidently.(_Chibi Soultail- want to bet on that, CR?_)

As Clement walked away with his head held high, Mr. Mxy could have sworn he saw a group of small blue men, all wearing tartan kilts run under the demon's boom gate, screaming at the top of their lungs,

'Nac Mac Feegle!'

Mr. Mxy shook his head and made a mental note never to accept another of FFF's special cocktails again.(_Chibi Mr. Mxy- really, I need to drink something else rather than FFF's cocktails. Chibi Soultail-Sake! LOL_)

* * *

Clement reached the top boxes in record speed. The door to Fantastic Flying Ferret's box was wide open. Clement approached the tiny room with caution, there was no telling what could come flying out of that woman's room, literally, you learn that by experience. Clement braced himself for the worst and stepped into the doorway. When nothing hit him square in the face, he carefully opened one eye to take a peek at the sight before him. What he saw almost made him laugh out loud in humor. 

Ferret was spinning around on her chair, somehow sipping on a Pina Colada and hadn't noticed him standing in the door. It was a sure fire way to tell that the girl was bored out of her mind with the lack of entertainment that is going on at that moment. Propped up amongst all the microphones and closed circuit TVs, was a very thick block of wood that she carried with her everywhere that had this inscription burnt onto it:

_In case of Emergency, _

_Whack forehead against this here block_

_In order to Re-Boot memory._

Clement cleared his throat loudly to get her attention, causing Ferret to almost fall off of her chair, quite literally. Clement couldn't help it, but he laughed out loud the sight before him. FFF stood up from her chair and glared at him, hands on her hips.

'Clement, don't you ever do that again.' She growled in warning to hurt him permanently.

'Sure thing, Ferret.' Clement snickered within his breath.

FFF sat back down on her chair with a huff of indignation and pride, crossing her arms.

'Can I help you?' She asked, clearly annoyed with him.

'Mxy sent me up here to make sure everything's fine.' Clement replied, puffing himself up with evident pride.(_Chibi Clement Rage- at least, she got my personality right, though._)

Ferret raised an eyebrow at him, and rolled her green eyes for effect. She spun around to look at the multitude of TV screens in front of her as a part of surveillance.(_Chibi FFF- one of these day, CR, I will kill you slow and painful._)

'So far, so good, but you might want to patrol the area around the Eidos box. We don't want any unfortunate accidents to happen, if enraged LoK fans somehow find their way in there.' Ferret said in a voice almost worthy of Kain to show respect and honor towards.

Clement decided that now would be a great time to back out of the room, slowly and carefully before she decides to jump on top of him and beat the living crap out of him.

* * *

Down on the track, the racers were standing by their respective carts, either looking apprehensive at the crowd or in the case of Raziel, clearly enjoying all the attention. Kain, on the other hand, was leaning on the barrier, shaking his head in disgust and thinking, a) what in all seven hells possessed me to do this, and b) being a Wraith was clearly starting to go to Raziel's head.(_Chibi Soultail: tell me about it. Sigh_) 

'Hey, Mister, can we have some popcorn?'

'Bugger off, kid.'

Kain spun around and came face to face with Lil Ctec munching on a bag of coloured popcorn, which he almost dropped in surprise.

'Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but are you not suppose to sell what you call food, not eat it?' Kain smirked at the commentary he made at Lil Ctec.

Lil Ctec turned bright crimson in the face department.

'I'm quality control testing!' He huffed and marched away in indignation and pride, as quickly as he could.(_Chibi Lil Ctec-What? What is wrong with my job of testing the quality control on the food before selling them to customers._)

Kain shook his head again. He was beginning to think that the five young authors had fallen out of their trees a very long time ago.(_Chibi Authors:(indignantly) Hey!_)

The males within crowd had started wolf whistling as Mr. Mxy turned up to the track and almost screamed in fright.(_Chibi Soultail- What? what is wrong, Mr. Mxyzptlk?_)It had nothing to do with there now being a wraith, a few vampires and two members of the Circle standing on the starting grid. In fact, everyone was acting in almost the same way as Mxy, unless you counted on Rahab that Mxy believed was adding to the whistles of the male population, like a pack of wolves. Mortanius looked almost horrified, standing in his driving jacket and goggles, Moebius had actually dropped his staff in surprise and shock, as well as his mouth, Raziel looked like he was trying to hide his face within the cowl as much as he could so that he can't see the scene that was before him, Janos was well hidden behind his feathered wings for the sake of dignity and modesty, Kain stood frozen to the spot in two minds of what to do, his hand hovering above to Reaver's hilt, ready to kill the Pit crew with his sword, just to save his sanity and his modesty, as well.

Vorador, very fortunately, had his wits about him and strided over to the shocked Mxy.

'Can you please do something about her, Mr. Mxyzptlk?' He growled.

Mr. Mxy shook his head, the straw was now in danger of snapping in two.

'I can't.'

'What do you mean, you can't? Just get her to put some clothes on, man!'

Mxy had to do a double take at who he was talking to before continuing with his explaination.

'I mean, she doesn't listen to me, normally, it's only Fantastic Flying Ferret, who can knock some type of sense in to that thick skull of hers, but she's all the way up there and about to start the commentary!'

Vorador just growled and went back to his cart. If you haven't guessed by now, the cause of the distraction was, of course, Soultail Omega-Light, who had come out for the pre-race check in a pair of roller-skates and for some un-known reason to everyone's mind, a hot pink bikini. Mr. Mxy held his clipboard upto his face, trying not to look directly at Soul as they both walked (in Soul's case, rolled) around, checking the racer's carts complied to the rules.(_Chibi Soultail-opps! Sweatdrops_)

After they had completed the checks, Mxy pushed Soul off the track, who found it, in her grace, to wave and giggle at the crowd as a way to end the procedures.

'The both of us have to go easy on Ferret's cocktails.'

As that statement was out of Mxy's mouth, FFF's voice crackled to life in the speakers.

'Yes, well, that was different. Thank you for that…ah, display of talent there, Soultail.'

Mxy slapped his forehead in embarrassment as Soultail hic-coughed next to him like a stupid drunk that drank several cases of beer a few minutes ago. The racers didn't share the same compliments (beside Rahab that was clapping enthusiastically at the performance displayed by Soul). Ferret's voice crackled over the PA again.

'Welcome to the new and improved Elder Raceway, which Squidman has been kind enough to line for us again.'

Raziel would have smiled at the commentary if he still had a bottom jaw, yet he agreed with Ferret's nickname for his so called "master."

'Along the track will be obstacles, other than the squid's tentacles, which the racers must avoid, if and when they attack. There are water ditches (all vampires, except for Rahab for he is a water-like being, cringed at the sound of those traps she had mention before) and ramps that can either be an advantage or disadvantage to the drivers, depending on the situation they are in. There are little treats that the racers can pick up to heed their opponents, oil cans for a nice slick and somewhere, a box of bombs that have been modified to **only** harm the cart, never fear.'

All the racers looked a little disappointed at the sound of theannouncement.

'There are treats that will increase the speed of the cart for a short time. Blood globs(for the vampires), Soul Orbs(for Raziel)and the Sarafan Symbol, will increase the speeds ,while an hourglass will slow you down to the speed of a land tortoise. Now that information is out of the way, its time to introduce our brave racers!'

The crowd screamed a little louder.

'First of all, a big round of applause to the Circle of Nine for agreeing to sponsor this fun event. We even have eight of the Guardians in complete attendance today!'

While Moebius and Mortanuis waved to the cheers of the crowd, miles away, Ariel huffed in indignation, watching the TV screen that someone had been very kind enough to place by the Balance pillar.

'Yes, well, Miss Ferret, I would be completely honored being there, if I wasn't bound for all eternity to a bloody stupid pillar!' Ariel muttered under her breath while continuing watching the race.

'Without further ado, the racers as follows, please, folks, a big hand for: Janos Audron, Vorador, 4th Lieutenant Rahab, Moebuis, Mortanuis, Raziel and Kain!'

The crowd was on their feet, cheering up a storm.

'Please, welcome to the track to officially start the race, Lil…Umah? Umah, everybody.' Ferret scratched her head in confusion.

Mxy's voice sounded in her headphones.

'What the hell is she doing there?'

'Good question, but let's just roll with it.' Ferret shrugged her shoulders, covering her microphone, holding her microphone with one of her hands, like Alia from Megaman X5.

Umah walked on the track, wearing not much more than Soul in the clothing department, but let's just say, this time, Vorador wasn't complaining to this arrangement. She held a purple scarf in one hand.

'Gentlemen, start your engines.' She cried out loud to the racers and the crowd.

The crowd's cheers mixed in with the roar of the engines starting. Holding the scarf above her head, Umah looked over the racers and with a little smile, dropped her hand……

Raziel was the first one off the grid, closely followed by Vorador, as they all rocketed down the first straight.(_Chibi Soultail- Team Rocket-style! giggles stupidly._)

_'_And off they GO, heading for the first drop!'

Yes, that's right, drop, not turn. Raziel reached it first, and would have lost his stomach, if he had one. The light carts glided over the first ditch of water and hit the dirt hard, the racers, now screamed down the first of the annoyingly long turns. Kain over took both Raziel and Vorador, causing both of them to swear like a couple of drunken sailors, and Ferret to hit the mute button just to keep her ears in tact and the censorship at a low rating. Rahab directed his cart to the very top of the turn and started to drift right around the edge. Rahab past Raziel with a smirk.

'See you at the end of the race, Big Brother!' He laughed.

Raziel's eyes flashed for the moment with amusement as he spotted something his brother had not.

'If you ever get to the end, Little Brother!' Raziel cried, as he went around the corner.

A collective gasp went through the crowd.

'Oh, I don't care what universe you're from, but that's gotta hurt!' Ferret's voice rang through the speakers.

'Clement and Soultail are down there with our first racer to get a little too close to the squid's tentacles.'

When Clement and Soultail reached Rahab's crash site, they found him having a little fit.(_Chibi Soultail- that's an understatement, FFF. He's literally pissed off!_)He had thrown his helmet at the wall, where it was now wedged, and was jumping up and down furiously on top of his stricken cart. Both Authors were sitting the back of the Ute(Utility vehicle in shorten terms to understand for us Americans), playing go fish, waiting for the vampire to get over his fit was a bit more safer than intervening with the situation at that time.

The race continued with Kain, still enjoying a large lead as he went down the second drop and barely missed the water, drops spaying up and stinging his back like hydrochloric acid. He cursed, ran into a blood glob and sped off at break neck speed. Raziel sailed effortlessly over it and landed on an hourglass, slowing him down to John like speeds.

'Oh, now, this is so completely unfair.' He muttered.

Janos used his wings to his advantage; if they weren't going to fit into the cart properly, they damn well had a better use to the situation. He glided over the water and Raziel, eventually finding Kain and the S bends. Vorador, on the other hand, landed right in the water. He ditched the cart and screamed like a rabid fangirl at a Britney Spears concert, just as Moebuis and Mortanuis sailed over head, both snickering at the burnt vampire in despair. Vorador ran to where Soultail and Clement were waiting for him with towels and a disgruntled Rahab sat in the back of the Ute, muttering very ill profanities under his breath.

'At the start of the second lap, Kain is in the lead, followed closely by Janos. Third place is currently occupied by Moebuis. Battling for fourth is Mortanuis and Raziel.'

The five remaining racers hit the S bends that was currently used as a remnant crossing. Janos hit a ramp and used his wings again to get ahead of Kain. Kain either from being annoyed that the ancient was in front of him a few moments ago or just because he felt like it, held the reaver out in his right hand and took the head off one of the nearest remnants that didn't disappear fast enough.

Seeing Kain's use of the reaver, Moebuis grabbed his staff with a wicked grin on his ugly face. The staff instantly crippled the two vampires ahead of him. Laughing uncontrollably like an insane person that he is, Moebuis easily took the lead.

The crowd booed in out rage. Lil Ctec threw a few bags of uneaten popcorn in the air to vent his feelings towards the situation he just saw up to that moment. Kids dived for the bags like it was money to them. Ferret covered the microphone again with her hand and hissed to Mxy.

'Is he allowed to do that?' She asked.

As if by magic, Mxy's nose was pressed against the rule book quicker than you could blink.

'Ok, at the start of the Third and final lap, Moebius is in the lead, followed by a murderous looking Kain and a very annoyed Janos. Still battling for fourth is Mortanius and Raziel.' FFF cried over the booing crowd.

Raziel was beginning to get as frustrated as if trying to solve his one thousandth block puzzle.

'I've had enough of this.' He muttered and switched to spectral.

Mortanuis saw this, and not wanting to let the wraith get to ahead of him that easily, followed close behind.

'Everyone switch to the Spirit Vision screens in front of you to watch the action in Wobbly World!' Ferret cried into her microphone, one eye on her screens.

'Wobbly World?' She heard Lil Ctec spoke into her headphones in a questioning tone on his voice.

'Don't ask.' She replied unto him.

A family of Slaugh were watching the race on their TV, munching on Soul popcorn. Somehow, they did get a crystal clear reception down there. They were so engrossed with the television set that they didn't even notice when both Raziel and Mortanuis sped right behind their couch.

When they appeared in the material world, they were greeted with Ferret's voice, saying unto them,

'Hi, welcome back and you're still in fourth place.'

'Ah, #!$!' Raziel said.

Ferret was getting a little sick of bleeping out their colourful language with her remote control that she literally didn't care about censorship anymore. Moebuis crossed the line first and had to jump out of the way before Kain accidentally/on purpose ran into the back of him. Kain was out of his cart in a flash, reaver out and ran at Moebuis. Soultail found her way in between them, used as Moebuis's body shield to protect him from the attack that Kain was about to inflict upon him.

Soul held her hands up, her eyes were very wide as she happened to be on the wrong end of Kain's rage.

'Hey, whoa, it ain't my fault this time! Put the sword down and nobody, namingly me, gets hurt permanently!' Soultail pleaded unto him in fear.(_Chibi Soultail-AHHHHH!_)

It slowed Kain down a micro bit. Soul closed her eyes very tight and wrapped her twelve fluffy fox tails around her body in hopes of protecting herself from the sword. Janos landed between Kain and the frightened Soul just in the nick of time.

'Kain, that's really not going to help by just trying to kill him while he is holding onto Soultail like that. Just leave it up to the authors, they'll sort it all out towards the end.' Janos reasoned with him like a true diplomat.

Janos grabbed Soultail's hand, after he snatched her from Moebius' grip, thus, leading her over to the others. She just about fainted, twice. Lil Ctec smiled and shyly offered her his last popcorn bag to help calm her down, while Clement threw her a blanket to wrapped up in as a way to comfort herself from the situation she had found herself in a few moments ago, as well as for modesty sake in everyone's eyesight.

Ferret and Mxy, along with the rule book and microphone, walked out of the stands and stood on a hastily put together podium.(_Chibi Authors- What!_)Mr. Mxy cleared his throat nervously, he could feel Kain's hard stare on his back. Ferret, on the other hand, turned around, smiled seductively and waved. That took Kain by complete surprise, but he still didn't lower the reaver from Moebuis's throat.

'After close examination of the rules, I have decided that Moebuis is to be disqualified for cheating. That makes Kain jump upto First place.' Mr. Mxy announced unto the crowd.

Only now did Kain lower the sword to thunderous applause from the crowd. Ferret happily skipped over, holding her long baby pink skirt above her knees, to the others, followed by Mr. Mxy, who was watching Moebuis out of the corner of his eye.

'Well, this calls for one of my cocktails as a major celebration.' FFF called cheerily.

'I'll pass on that, FFF.' Mr. Mxy replied, climbing into the Ute.

Ferret shrugged, handing out real 'Bloody' Mary's and Pina Coladas.

'More for us, then.' She replied cheerfully.

'Ferret, I'm very curious, how did you get the Elder to let you call him Squid the whole time during the race?' Raziel asked, leaning his back against the Ute.

Ferret smiled slyly towards him.(_Chibi FFF-snickers evilly at the thought of her real self explaining what she did to Elder God in the next few seconds._)

'I gave him a mirror.' She replied unto him.

Chapter By: Fantastic Flying Ferret.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3**

**Pillars**

Clement Rage was at the pillars, trying futilely to persuade Kain to participate in his latest foolish venture. His argument technique was most interesting.

"Come on."

"No"

Come on."

"No."

Come on!"

"No."

This continued for fifteen minutes, before Kain finally became bored with the conversation and said, "What do you want me to do?"

Clement looked confused. "Didn't I say?"

"No."

"Then why did you keep saying no?"

"It never pays to agree to anything you say."

An evil light filled Clement's eyes as he attempted to be cunning.

"Come on."

"Yes."

"Huh? You agreed."

"You were trying to trap me with a double negative."

"Clever son of a –"

After twenty minutes thought, the evil light filled Clement's eyes again. He spoke fast, before this strange stroke of genius could fade.

"Do you want-" Then, he noticed Kain had left the room.

(_Chibi CR_!)

After a while, he came back, realizing he'd forgotten the Reaver and hoping the demented Author had departed. In vain. The Author was still there, playing checkers with a Dumahim fledgling. He looked up, and saw Kain.

"Hey, you're back! Umm...what was I saying? Oh, yeah. If you don't participate, I'll publish an article in the Nosgoth Times saying you fell in love with a prostitute from Freeport-"

Kain telekinetically slammed the creature into the nearest wall.

(_Chibi Soultail_: Ohhhh! That has got to hurt!)

"You have to get out of here first."

"Even...should you...kill me, the others will...carry it out." Clement rasped.

Just in time, FFF, Soultail, Mr. Mxy and Turn Based Tragedy teleported into the room. Simultaneously, and somewhat reluctantly, they persuaded Kain to put Clement down.

(_Chibi Mr. Mxy, FFF, TBT, and Soultail_: Hi!)

Disgustedly, Kain complied, spitting, "Oh. It's the Collab."

Soultail sidled up to Kain, trying to be as alluring as possible. This is not easy when you are part fox. "So, will you do it?"

"No. I refuse to have anything to do with that lunatic Clement. In any case, there is no competition there. I participated in one race, and won it! It no longer interests me."

FFF, seeing where this was going, screamed, "Hey! Save some for me!" and ran towards Kain. She was intercepted by Turel, who had graciously decided to spare his Lord the moral conflict. Meanwhile, the others departed the pillars in search of similar entertainments. Mr. Mxy and TBT quickly had strings of scantily clad groupies, but Clement, after several heated refusals, three assaults and somebody who somehow misinterpreted his advances and directed him to the nearest Starbucks, headed back. The others, well aware of the possibly disastrous consequences of letting Clement wander off alone, reluctantly disengaged and followed.

Meanwhile, Soultail was still trying to persuade Kain to participate.

"Kain, if not for me, do it for our child."

Flashback to Janos' mountain retreat for people who have forgotten the other chapters

"I am well aware that I am sterile, girl. Even if I was not, why would he/she care?"

"...Point taken."

"Enough of this." Kain disengaged gently. "Turel, control yourself."

The others arrived back, somewhat disappointed that everyone was fully clothed.

"I still don't intend to participate." Kain announced.

"My threat still stands, Kain." This from Clement, now more assured.

A nasty thought struck TBT.(_Chibi TBT_!!!! Oh Crapppp!)

"Clement?"

"Yes?"

"If you're here, whose on security at the track?"

"Oh, Moebius is taking care of it."

"Clement," said Mr. Mxy, slowly and dangerously, "it's his day off."

Kain was much amused. "Find me an intact track, and I'll race"

It then dawned on him that this was exactly the wrong sort of promise to make towards the Authors. They vanished, but he could be sure someone would remember.

**Elder track.**

When the authors arrived at the track, they found it overrun by fans. Even as they watched, a gang of fans carried off a screaming tentacle, despite several of them being crushed in the process. The Demon security guards were slaying hundreds, but were being overwhelmed. Clement was horrified. He shouted "No, no no! MAIM, you idiots, you're destroying our fanbase!"

With the co-ordination of the Authors, the track was eventually cleared. What was left of it. The entire announcer's booth had been carted off by the fans, who'd also chipped off pieces of the track and obstacles. They found Lil Ctec in the ruins of his popcorn stand.

Clement bent down.

"Sorry."

Lil Ctec looked up, his face a mask of rage. He screamed "Sorry! SORRY? THEY TOOK THE POPCORN, YOU INEPT IDIOT! FANS OVERRUN THE TRACK, STEAL THE STAND, THE OBSTACLES AND EVEN THE POPCORN? DID I NOT REQUEST 24 HOUR SURVEILLANCE ON THIS STAND! NOW THE POPCORN IS GONE, SO ARE THE HOT DOGS, AND THE NAC MAC FEEGLE TOOK THE LIQUOR, SO I CAN'T EVEN DROWN OUT MY SORROWS, AND YOU CAN SAY IS SORRY?

He quieted for a couple of minutes, then stood up, purpose in his stride and vengeance on his face. He screamed at the sky, "FEAR NOT, NOBLE POPCORN! YOU SHALL BE AVENGED!" before he ran after the receding mob of fans.

Meanwhile, the other discouraged authors sat on the track, wondering what they were going to do.

A few hours later, Moebius strolled in, whistling happily to himself. He found the authors still on the track.

"Hey, what happened here?"

They told him, finishing with their need for another track. An evil grin spread across his face.

"I know just the place."

**Vorador's Mansion**

The Authors had just finished inspecting the new track. They liked it.

TBT asked him in awe, "Hey Moebius, how did you convince Vorador to let us use this place?"

"Let's just say he saw it in his best interests, heheheh."

The camera cuts to the statue of Moebius, where someone has kindly placed a portable TV next to Vorador's head.

"Is the tollbooth really necessary?"

"Yes, I'm afraid Vorador was quite insistent. He will need some revenue if we destroy this track as well."

"Okay, time to start the race. Viewers, please give a warm welcome to our competitors, Kain, Wraith Raziel, Rahab, Umah, Nupraptor, and since minor characters seem to be popular, Pyromaniac Sarafan #3169.

Pyromaniac Sarafan discharged the flamethrower attached to his Kart. The Camera cuts to the spectral realm where Vorador, watching the Tv, screams, "WATCH THE CARPET!"

FFF continued commentating. "You know the course; the coins are for the tollbooth, so...

aaaaaaaannnnd they're off!

-And Kain Quickly gains the lead, with Raz trailing right behind him-

-Kain pulls into the tollbooth, but it appears he's forgotten to pick up any coins, what will happen here, I wonder. Let's zoom in...

Kain is arguing with Malek, who is manning the tollbooth. Malek has pointed to a sign, reading,

Human Grunt: 1 shilling

Human King: 10 golds

Pillar Guardian : 100 golds

Vampire King: 200 golds

Vampire Champion: 500 golds

Hylden Champion: 500 golds

Kain: Sorry, I don't seem to have much cash on me at the moment. Is there a discount for the scion of balance?"

Malek: Nope.

Kain: My personal cheque? It's backed up by the treasure rooms of Coorhagen.

Malek:No

Kain:Have you got change for a gold encrusted Razelim clan symbol?

Malek: Cash only.

Raziel enters the booth beside Kain

Kain: Spare change?

Raziel: No. Does it look to you that I have pockets?

Raziel shifts to spectral. A sluagh is manning the tollbooth.

Sluagh: Nice try.

Raziel returns to material and hands over 500 golds.

Malek: And the rest?

Raziel: Rest?

He studies the sign until he figures it out, then lets out a scream of rage. Moebius, in the announcers box, is having difficulty restraining his laughter.

The others pay up and pass by, with Nupraptor in front and Sarafan #3169 behind. Sarafan discharges his flame thrower, it misses and sets fire to a set of curtains.

Vorador, in spectral:Oh, that is IT!

He possesses a corpse on the track and proceeds to leap on Pyromaniac and beat him to ash. Umah stops to help. FFF resumes commentating

-And Rahab is gaining on Nupraptor now, who telekinetically shoves him intro a pool of water.

Rahab:Thanks

-But that's a bad move as Rahab's Kart morphs into a motor boat and laps Nupraptor easily. There's nothing he can do. And the winner is...Rahab!

I have no speech prepared. Until next time.

Chapter by: Clement Rage


	5. Chapter 5

A/N:Yo, Turn Based Tragedy here. This is my first chapter for the glory that is Kain Karts. I have a bit of a different writing style then the others so please bear with me. If you find the chapter not to your liking, you can always try to make TBT voodoo dolls. I find that it always calms me down to make voodoo dolls of myself...

Disclaimer: I do this out of habit now...but I still don't own Legacy of Kain...and neither do any of my partners in crime.

(_Chibi Authors: Damn!_)

The day was perfect. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the hylden and vampires were locked in a bloody battle in the scenery, and the air was fragrant with the sweet scent of Kain's long luxurious hair. Yes, it was the perfect day for a race.

The elder god sighed happily, he had created this course with his own two hands and now that he had destroyed all the other courses, they could have possibly used they had no choice but to use this one. (The authors were strangely reluctant to use this race track. They said it was because of the snakes creeping about the road, but _why on earth_ would they be afraid of some innocent little snakes that when enraged by fast moving objects turned into something similar to a land faring hydra that would tear anything to bits that got in it's path of violent destruction? Honestly, it didn't make any sense.) Now that the stubborn authors were here, they would _have_ to see his brilliance...not to mention those pretty little human girls would notice he had the physique of a greek god and become his willing slaves.

(_Chibis FFF, Soultail, and TBT: Yeah, right. In his dreams!_)

"Ok...lets just try to get through this race without too many casualties, it cost us a fortune to bury all those spectators last time..." That announcer girl was pretty hot, why didn't they make them that way in Nosgoth? And that human guarding the fences to make sure all the fan girls didn't go huffing Kain's hair again, MAN, that was one sexy person.

Hoo boy, he'd have to wear something hot to outdo these lookers. How 'bout a pair of skin tight faux leather pants? That would woo any reluctant lady (apparently the elder thought it would woo reluctant gentlemen, too). The elder god was happy that his solution was so incredibly simple but something wasn't right...something just didn't add up about his pants...

(_Chibis girls and guys: EWWWWWW!_)

"Now, I'd like to make the rules clear this time, no- and I mean absolutely, NO ZOMBIES. That was half the problem last time, so Mortanius, leave them outside the race track, you can play with them later..." What pants was the elder god wearing right now? He couldn't feel the texture of the pants against his godly legs. Wait a second...he couldn't feel his legs!

"And if any of you so much as THINK it would be funny to throw a melchiahim with a time bomb in his chest cavity out on the roadl, don't, because you will be disqualified THE VERY INSTANT you do it." He _could not feel his legs! _What was wrong with these people? Couldn't they see they were in the middle of a crisis here?

"I can't feel my legs." the elder god said in disbelief.

"Oh, Vorador, you think that's pretty funny don't you? Well...YOUR DISQUALIFIED JUST FOR THINKING-"

"I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!" the elder screamed in agony. "DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANY EYES? I CANNOT FEEL MY LEGS! I AM IN DISTRESS! **DISTRESS!**"

"Um...elder god?...you don't have any-"

"NO FEELING IN MY LEGS! OH GOD WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?"

"But...you are-"

"SILENCE, PUNY RANDOM INSIGNIFICANT PERSON! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU CAN'T BRING THE FEELING IN MY LEGS BACK?"

(_Chibi Soultail: Bugger off, Elder God._)

"But I'm just trying to start the ra-"

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? WHY? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?"

"ELDER GOD, YOU DON'T _HAVE_ ANY LEGS. NOW, IF YOU WOULD JUST SHUT UP, WE COULD START THE-"

"WHY CAN'T I FEEL MY- wait...no...legs...? No...legs?...AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I DON'T HAVE ANY LEGS!"

(_Chibi Authors: Sigh!_)

The end.


	6. Chapter 6

I hate my job

My name is Ian some of you know me as Lil-Ctec, this is my chapter and if you don't like it bite me.

"I WANT MORE BUTTER !" screamed a little girl in front of me.

"Listen, I don't have any butter I just got popcorn and sodas right now," I say to the little brat with a twitch.

"I WANT MORE NOW!" she screams even louder. I look down at her and hold back the urge to through her in front of a zombie at the front gate. I here what sounds like relentless zombie slaughter and take her with me before there all dead.

"Kain, those zombies aren't yours, stop killing them," Kain stops stabbing a zombie and walks away muttering. "And you little girl step away from him before he eats you."

The little girl is still kicking a zombie in the knee and yells back "My dad says I don't have to listen to you and that if you bother me I can scream "rape" as loud as I want,"

I stare at her for a second cuss a bit and leave her there.

I think she's dead or something I don't really care anymore (curse you short attention span)

I go back to my little trey of popcorn and walk across throwing popcorn to various authors so they don't yell at me for not having them in my chapter. (note I said to not at. Please don't kill me!) I leave when my shift is over and let that creepy guy named bubba take over the stand.

The speakers have turned on and Flying ferret says "due to elder gods stupidity the race has been postponed ," I here some boos and cursing and stop caring again. "I can fix this," I walk up to the elder god and poke him in the eye "Cheer up you never had legs you're a god that's a trade off," I poke him in the eye again "you got 20 minutes to get your but out there and be our track and if you ain't out there I'm coming back with salt a bat and hand sanitizer." (no I'm not stopping if you don't get it ask your teacher what cleaning alcohol does to your eyes if you drop it in them) He complain and gets out there again and FFF says on the loudspeaker "do to unnecessary violence the race will begin shortly."

I Love my job


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

Early one morning, at the Pillars of Nosgoth, Ariel sat (well as close to sitting as a ghost could get) at the base of the Balance pillar doing her own version of yoga in the peaceful clearing.

'Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!'

The high pitched cry of a girl on too much sugar disturbed the tranquility of the clearing. Ariel growled and floated to the very edge of the pillar's platform ready to yell at any innocent bystanders. The sound like a swarm of angry wasps was getting louder and closer echoing off the ancient ruins.

Suddenly three carts jumped over a crumbled down wall and skidded in front of Ariel, tearing up the grass and sending the dirt flying all over the platform. She was so stunned she simply hovered there with her mouth wide open. The drivers of the carts we none other than Soultail, FFF and TBT. Yes the girls, after they had put too much sugar in their coffees, decided to take the carts out for a run on the newest track, the pillars of Nosgoth.

Soul jumped out of her cart and squealed in joy. Yes, it is her that went 'wee'.

'Ooh Ferret this track is awesome! I wanna race on it!' Turn Based Tragedy exclaimed.

Ferret shrugged and dusted off her navy blue dress. She looked up and smiled brightly at the smoldering Ariel.

'Morning happy dacks!' She replied in her Australian drawl.

'LeTs Do tHaT AgAiN!!!!!!!' Soul said, clapping her hands together hopping on the spot.

Ferret and TBT exchanged a glance that clearly wanted to know exactly how much sugar Soul had had that morning.

Ariel glanced from the three authors in front of her to the now dirty platform.

'What the hell is going on here, disturbing my peace.' She spat.

'Testing a new race track.' TBT said.

Ariel blinked. Correction, ONE side of Ariel blinked.

'You what?' She asked, quietly.

'New race track, here Pillars of Nosgoth, whoo hoo! Should be great and best of all you'll have some company.' Ferret grinned.

'No no no! not here, disturbing my rest, my peace and quite! I'll get you authors back for this!' She disappeared into to spirit world for a little hissy fit.

'I thought she took that rather well.' Ferret said.

'She'll be a lot happier, I think.' TBT nodded.

'We should feed her sugar!!' Soul added, twitching slightly.

The other girls ignored her and forced her to sit down before she hurt herself. Soul pulled out her notebook and pencil starting to write furiously, Fantastic Flying Ferret and Turn Based Tragedy deciding to leave her to it both skipping up the steps to the pillar's base taking in the clearings surroundings as the stadium seating and announcers box was being constructed. A make shift garage tent was already set up some ways behind the pillars. There were also some mysterious glowing crystals that Soul had found that were lining the track.

Mr. Mxy, Clement Rage and Lil Ctec had just clambered over the collapsed wall, quite out of breathe as they had run after the girls.

'Remind…me tha…t after th..is…to hide the…damn sugar!' Clement gasped, bent over trying to catch he's breath again

'Or maybe we should just lock our carts up properly at night so the girls cannot get to them.' Mr. Mxy replied not looking at the other two but studying his clipboard.

The other two looked up at him like he had suddenly turned into a chicken, but wouldn't admit that he was right. Lil Ctec looked out toward the pillars and blinked slowly, he hit the other two on their arms.

'What Ctec?' Clement asked, slightly annoyed.

'Look what you made me do Ctec.' Mr Mxy on the other hand was really annoyed with the large scribble that Ctec's hit to the arm had cost.

Ctec just pointed toward Soul who was trying to do her own version of ballet. Clement slapped a hand to his face.

'Sugar under lock and key from now on.' He hissed to Mxy.

'And I thought we had seen everything, but that is just….' Mxy stopped mid sentence and stared in complete shock.

A figure just leaped in front of them in a perfect arabesque wearing a soft pink tutu. The figure suddenly looked to see the three shell shocked boys.

'Ballet helps me calm down and helps with my grace and pose. Also im being controlled by six mad authors.' Vorador replied, before he pirouetted out of site.

The boys shook there heads to try and get that image out of there minds.

'Alright now I've seen everything. Lets move along shall we?' Mxy said.

Chapter by FFF. Ok this is a short chpater and was just to get the ball moving again, we were on a role before, what the hell happened!! If anyone in the collab wants to write the next chapter to follow this go ahead, i hit a brick wall after ballerina Vorador.


	8. emo part of the story, sorry

Disc: blah blah blah don't own LOK o yah just so you know, this cruel murder of the English language is done by Haroldontherocks (formerly known as Lil-Ctec). This part of the story is based of a current problem I am facing in real life only the name of the person who is on life support will not be mentioned. Also I do enjoy guitars a lot it's just that bumblefoot song sets the mood.

**START **

Kain: (standing in the middle of the defeated zombies) DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE

Haroldontherocks: I said those Zombies aren't yours, dammit! (chasing Kain with a bat)

**Now for the real story **

In the garage the sound of power tools and "guitars suck" by Bumblefoot could be heard threw out the field. It was quiet due to the fact someone had called the cops a day earlier after seeing a strange man in a pink tutu and a 13 year old writer chasing a vampire with a bat. Seeing as how the pit crew had went off, Soultail Omega-Light was left wondering who the hell was in her garage.

"Kain I swear for the love of god if you are messing around with the tools again-" her words were stopped short by the earlier mentioned 13 year old writer staring at her with anger.

Harold decided against throwing a hammer at her and instead put down the drill and asked her in a harsh tone "what do you want?". Little did he know the wide known fact being an ass in a widely female Fan fiction would make him the main character in the story for longer then he cared for. (witch for future reference I really don't care for, o well more attention to me)

Soultail Omega-Light taking serious offence to his tone took the verbal offensive, "you're a little young to talk to me like that, besides this is my place shouldn't you be making popcorn or something," she said leaning on a nearby wall feeling she had gained the upper hand by mocking both his age and job.

Almost as on cue twist by korn started pounding threw the speakers as he started his retort " I am more effective at repairs then your whole monkey-wrench grabbing pit crew, not to mention seeing I am taller then you and younger by 6 years". Both giving each other go to hell looks Soultail went off to tell the rest of the group about Harold's crappy mood while he continued drilling holes in what now looked like a Swiss cheese version of an Ibenez iceman 400.

He reached back in his pocket and pulled out the letter that had caused the anger inn the first place, as hid did so he yelled to no one in view, "he was like a father to my dad and uncle if they say he shouldn't be a $ing vegetable, then he shouldn't be a $$#ing vegetable " with that he lowered his head. Father of mine by everclear started to play and Harold smashed his cd player. "shut up you," and he walked off leaving the iceman in the floor.


	9. If it ain’t broke…beat it till it is

If it ain't broke…beat it till it is.

The track had been empty for about 2 weeks now. Apparently having the cops called for the same place tends to make it stay closed longer, no one got arrested but Kain had to re-grow a claw… again. Harold had gotten over his last-chapter-two-weeks-ago-bitch-fit and FFF was with the rest of the women wondering all trying to figure out how to run the cops off without going to jail.

"So in theory, if we backhand Janos enough with a crab while he throws a exploding bagel at-" Fantastic Flying Ferret was interrupted in her extremely odd sounding plan by

Mr. Mxyzptlk walking into what seemed to be over violent girl talk.

"Hey ladies," He said trying to ignore the last part of the conversation "What's going on?" he asked leaning against the brick wall just incase he was somehow involved with said plan.

"Nothing really just planning on how to fix Harold's mess," said Soultail sitting cross-legged on the floor.

"How was it his fault?" asked Mr. Mxyzptlk confused.

"Well last I saw he was with that girl that before she got eaten by the zombies, he was the one that made squid thingy piss his non-existent elder god pants, and he went threw some pissy mood last chapter and it made the story seem all emo," said Turn based tragedy, gasping for air after such a long winded sentence. "Thanks to him elder wuss won't come out of the whole he made," she explained drinking some coffee.

No sooner had she finished then there was a loud girlish scream out side.

"For the love of god Kain what did we tell you about the power tools-" FFF started to yell before the whole group saw an extremely odd image of the elder gods eye taped open and Harold standing by it with a stick.

"Oh dam! How did he do that?" asked the whole group, astounded by his ability to due stupid things in such a short amount of time. They looked on as the rest of the group came and watched the crazed thirteen year old dominate the elder god.

"You have a contract (pokes in the eye with stick) and you are going to keep it, or so help me god you won't be all seeing anymore!," yelled the pre-teen moving his black hair out of his way and staring the elder god in his eyes erm… eye.

"Ok ok I will I promise just please stop poking my eye and get the tape off," pleaded the elder god. With that he was released and the tape was taken off his giant eye lid.

"Now I don't care how you do it, but get this place opened again and get those cops to piss off," commanded Harold. The elder god scooted off and went to deal with the cops.

"How'd you do that?" asked FFF.

"Simple," He said taking a dramatic pause, "I am taller then you all ," he said with a laugh and walked off.

"THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING!," yelled the frustrated Soultail.

"How come he's the youngest but he's taller then us?" asked FFF scratching her head.

"Don't know… must be one of those Irish/Columbian things," said Mr. Mxyzptlk. "I guess he fixed what he messed up," he told them walking away from the group.

"That Harold kid is crazy bastard," said Kain who had been watch from a distance. The group nodded in agreement. "The guy really needs a girlfriend or at least a hobby," said Kain. With today's stupidity winding down the group dispersed. Turn based tragedy looked in the direction Harold then smacked herself in the forehead with a quick 'what the hell was I thinking' moment she also walked back to her station.


	10. Chapter 10

\_This is so random even I'm kinda confused_

**Another Chapter**

"Are these chains really necessary?" FFF asked irritably as Mr. Mxy turned the key. He shook his head sadly.

"Sorry girls, we don't want you going hyper on us again. Ariel has powerful friends-not to mention lawyers. Now shut up or we'll put you in Moebius' lap next time."

Soultail, FFF, and TBT exchanged horrified glances, and said in perfect unison "We'll be good."

"I thought you would." Mr. Mxy smirked and walked off. Or at least tried to. He tripped over a loose chain and fell out the window. Luckily, he landed in a puddle on the track, close to where Clement Rage was getting ready to start the race. FFF sighed and picked up her microphone.

"Ladies, Gentlemen, and Miscellaneous, welcome to another edition of Kain Karts. We have another exciting race due for you today, live on our newly built Pillars of Nosgoth course! Now, the race is about to begin, so I don't have time to introduce the contestants or the course, so take it away, guys!"

Clement had taken on the duty of race starter today in addition to his security duties. He was carrying with difficulty a huge gun, easily the height of himself.

"On your marks!" He screamed, bracing himself against the ground.

"Get set!" He put in his earplugs.

"Go!" He fired. Unfortunately, the missile missed its target-the sky, which was generally considered fairly easy to hit- and roared into the stand instead, blowing to pieces Harold's brand new popcorn maker, which he'd only bought yesterday.

"Oh that is IT!" Harold screamed, leaping out of the stand, glaring. "Do you know how much that cost!?" He ran over to a glass panel labeled 'Emergency popcorn making kit" and threw it at Clement, knocking him out. The racers looked on interestedly.

Mr. Mxy sighed. "Hey, somebody get him off the track!" He tried to drag Clement away, but drew back as Demon security guards barred his way.

"We'd better get him off the track, we're running late." TBT noted worriedly.

Soultail grinned evilly. "I have an idea." Taking the microphone, she screamed into it "DANGNABBIT TO THE DEEPEST PITS OF HECK!"

Below, Clement sat bolt upright, his face a mask of terror. "AAAAAAAGGGGHHHH! Angry Texans! The worst kind!" He sprinted away, leaving a roadrunner-esque plume of dust in his wake. FFF took her mike back and resumed commentating.

"I don't think he's coming back, folks. Luckily, we have a replacement Author on call. Give it up, folks, for the one, the only...King Ottmar!"

A giant chicken walked in wearing Ottmar's crown. Mr. Mxypttlk was aghast.

"WHAT? IT'S A GIANT CHICKEN!" The chicken squawked.

"Oh, Pipe down!" FFF said, raising her voice to drown out his shrieks of rage. "As I was saying, please welcome-"

"I'M TELLING YOU-"

"Squawk!"

"-Our newest Author, king Ottmar, famed for his treatise on-"

"-IT'S A-

THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE, WHERE HE SAID-"

"Buc-caw!"

"EXCELLENT POINT. NOW IT'S TIME-"

"-GIANT CHICKEN!"

"-FOR THE RACE TO BEGIN!"

The racers screamed away from the track. The wind of their passage knocked

the crown from the chickens head. Everyone gasped. The racers ended up in a six car pile up at the first corner.

**Voice over: He wears a disguise,**

**To look like human guys,**

**But he's not a man,**

**He's a chicken-boo.**

"O...kay..." FFF said carefully. "That was weird."

- - - - - - - - -

Chapter by: Clement Rage


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11. Kaboom (and the funky chicken)

'How funky is your chicken!' FFF screamed, dancing to a techno version of the chicken dance.

'Oh god, she's lost it.' Mr. Mxy said, with his head in his hands.

Soul and TBT were watching her with puzzled and slightly scared expressions on their faces as they were repairing the ruined carts from the six cart pile up. Fantastic Flying Ferret was suffering from sugar withdrawals, very scary sight. She had the skirt of her long white empire waist dress lifted up over her knees performing a slightly un-co version of the Can-Can.

Mxy sighed, ignoring the large repair bills on his desk, and turned to look out the window toward the track that had been shut down until tomorrow night. He saw an even odder site.

Clement Rage, still carrying his insanely large rocket launcher, was running up and down the track yelling himself hoarse as he repeatedly apologized to Harold, who took the destruction of the popcorn machine to heart.

Harold on the Rocks had somehow got a hold of the Soul Reaver and was chasing Clement around with it, firing reaver bolts over his head while yelling all sorts of profane language at him.

Chasing Harold was Kain, who looked completely livid, running after him with only the Tube Reaver as a weapon and whose language was just as bad as Harold's. Sitting in the stands, sipping what looked like a red slushy and eating candy popcorn, where Janos, Moebius, Rahab and Raziel watching the three chase each other round and round in circles.

Mxy turned back to the girls, rolling his eyes. FFF had fallen over and was laughing so hard she couldn't get back up.

* * *

Meanwhile, over at the Pillars of Nosgoth, a shady looking character had popped up out of no where and was sneaking up onto the platform, trying not to wake the snoring Ariel. The thing had a long brown cloak over its body that looked so large it was hanging off them, the hem trailing on the ground occasionally getting snagged on a twig. With a viscous tug, the figure pulled the hem free, lost their balance and came crashing down onto the platform. The figure looked up at Ariel, or the hood looked at Ariel.

Ariel grunted in her sleep, her head lolling to the side.

'Kain stole my money…' She muttered, snoring off again.

The creature sighed, and got too its feet. It sneaked, shoes squeaking on the marble floor, pulling out a large tin of salt. The figure proceeded to make a careful salt circle around Ariel. Quietly giggling to itself, it pulled out a mobile phone wired to a large block c4, creeping over to the balance pillar, pulling out more c4 and wires.

* * *

'Welcome back, all our lovely viewers, to the pillars track! After a nasty accident, involving a harmless popcorn machine,'

'Too Right!' Harold said, sporting a cast on his arm where Kain broke it and I black eye where Clement had hit him accidentally with the butt of the gun.

'And a six cart pile up, everything has been put back together for tonight's race! Please welcome our racers! Kain, Raziel, Janos, Moebuis and Rahab. And give a round of applause for our three newest competitors; Sarafan Malek, Sarafan Truel and Sluagh #268!' FFF's very happy voice told the crowd.

Clement walked onto the track, holding a tiny gun, called a Noisy Cricket, with a rather dejected look on his face. He too was sporting a black eye, after Harold's fist connected with it. He raised the gun in the air, this time hitting Soultail Omega-Light and Turn Based Tragedy's garage, blowing a large hole in the side. The recoil on the tiny gun blew Clement clean off the track and into a drooling Raziel fans lap.

'Man, he can't aim!' Soul said, from the concrete floor of the garage.

'Yeah, maybe we should give the guns to Harold, at least he can aim.' TBT replied from next to her.

Soul and TBT looked at each other.

'Nah, lets not to that.' Both girls said.

Ferret was off in her own La-La land and had somehow grabbed Harry Potter's wand, said wizard was trying desperately to get it back as she danced out of his reach. This left Mr. Mxy to the Announcing job. He was speaking so fast no-one could keep up with him, sounding like an announcer at a horse race only sped up.

As the racers entered the second lap ('ANNNd hgeuwr#$ awh..ahdhaed KAIN Indalead!!! Fgsbdbf& NOOO….TRUELTAKESDALEAD!!), a loud boom rocked the track like a mini earthquake. All the racers stopped, the spectators ducked for cover, Ferret stopped wrestling with Harry Potter for the wand (only after he kicked her in the shins), Mxy took a breath, and the others stared, as the Pillars toppled once again in a plume of fire.

* * *

Ariel woke stretching, cursing as she heard the noise from the racing track. Turning around to float to the Balance pillar to watch the TV, she found that she couldn't go any further, she hit a wall. Looking down she saw the perfect circle of salt and screeched.

'Salt? Who the hell put salt here? Spirits can't cross salt! Which one of you damn authors did it? Come on, fuss up.'

She heard a giggle from behind her, Ariel turned around to yell at the author behind her. Ariel came face to face with the thing in the brown cloak.

'Who the heck are you?' She asked.

The thing just raised a mobile and pressed call. The mobile connected to the c4 rang twice before it detonated all the explosives wired to it, bringing the pillars down. Ariel screeched and ran into the underworld, rocking in a corner listening to the maddening laughter of the Elder.

'Ha, that will show you Harold! Poke me in the eye will ya?' The elder god laughed.

On the surface the Hylden Lord stepped through the smoke, glowing golden eyes smiling with glee.

'Here's Brucey!' He yelled to the sky.

* * *

Down on the Track, the Authors huddled together in a scared hug, shaking.

'That's not supposed to happen!' Turn Based Tragedy screamed.

'What do you mean? You're all writing it!' Raziel said.

'We are, well how about that? I didn't know. Thank you Captain Obvious!' Clement Rage said sarcastically.

Raziel just growled at him. Janos had fainted when he heard Bruce's voice and was being fanned by a shaking Soul.

'Not my fault this time, I swear!' Kain said, signaling surrender.

'Never said it was.' Mr. Mxy said.

'Oh.' Kain went silent.

Everyone turned to Moebuis who was looking a little dazed. Realizing that everyone was looking at him, except Janos and Soul (who was now giving mouth to mouth), dropped his staff and signaled surrender to all.

'Don't look at me! I didn't have a part in it this time! I swear!' Moebuis cried, eyeing Kain and Raziel both who looked like they were ready to kill him, again.

* * *

Chapter 11 by Fantastic Flying Ferret. (Riding on the coat tails of Clement Rage, this being typed in a little under an hour!) 


	12. We still aren't racing

Ariel looked under the hood and saw...Raziel?!? "How can that be?" Ariel gasped. She happened to know for a fact that Raziel was at home coordinating his cowls. (Raziel was very particular about his cowls...a little obsessive compulsive, actually...) "Did you really coordinate your facey things already?" She asked.

"FOOL!" The skeletal blue gentleman shouted. "I AM THE THING THAT CAME BACK _OUT_ OF THE SOUL REAVER!!!"

"...Ow..." Replied Ariel. They were about two feet away, after all and he _insisted_ upon using his vocal chords to their fullest potential. "Do you have to shout? Really, we should be using our library voices..."

"FOOL SOME MORE! CAN'T YOU TELL? I'M CRAZY, JUST LIKE MAGNUS. YOU KNOW, ALL HE DID WAS SHOUT RANDOM PHRASES THAT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! I DON'T SEE WHY WE CAN'T AT LEAST MAKE SENSE..."

"Oh...my...my ears are bleeding..." Said the ghost.

mEaNwHiLe...

Harold on the Rocks was sitting in the stands, instructing the rest of the authors on how to make a proper popcorn stand when the distinct sound of Raziel shouting reached his ears. (It happened a lot...mostly about Kain.) "Do you guys hear that?" He asked jumping off the top of the bleachers, doing some totally awesome acrobatics, fighting off some odd ninja-y things and landing gracefully on his face.

"Huh," said TBT. "What kind of instruction is...oh. Nope didn't hear a thing."

"You mean that terrible screeching noise?" Asked FFF.

"Oh...you're talking about the sound of some one who is employing the use of both vocal chords _and_ laughing maniacally at the same time!" Soultail interjected excidedly.

"Yes!" Harold proclaimed.

"Didn't hear a thing." Mr. Mxy responded.

"Huh...I think every body replied to that..." TBT pondered. "There only needed to be one person..." Just at that very moment of...thought-lyness...on TBT's behalf, the same horrible sound which Harold had head earlier exploded across the sky.

"But you heard that, right?" Harold asked.

""Heard what now?" inquired Ferret.

NoThInG tO dO wItH tHe StOrY...

Turn Based Tragedy's Totally Awesome Day of Fantasticness!

2:30 A.M. : Go to sleep

7:00 A.M : Sleep some more

1:43 P.M : Wake up, eat some waffles

4:00 P.M. : Ruin dinner with nacho!

5:00 P.M. : Dinner

5:30 P.M. : Contemplate SAKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:13 P.M. : Play video games until eyes become pained

(this is really procrastination time)

9:28 P.M. : Eyes become too pained

(still procrastinating)

12:00 Midnight: Make more nacho!

12:07 A.M. : Miss the nacho platter

(but this one is serious)

1:38 A.M. : Watch the other half of Finding Nemo

(I'll be thinking that maybe I'll write a chapter tomorrow)

2:30 A.M. : Go to sleep

TBT: That's my one chapter...I didn't even mention racing in this one and it's very, very short...oh well, I'll just leave it at that cliff hanger-y thing-y there...yeah...right there is good...


	13. son of spam

Chapter 13

Or as I like to call it,

Smashed.

I do not own Gorillaz, LOK, Crystal dynamics, Eidos, Fender, Dean, bumblefoot or his record lable, Virgin records or Lara craft. This random chapter is brought to you by Harold on the rocks, who's attention span and sanity are non existent.

Harold and Mr. Mxy were both leaned against a wall talking. As the grass around the track grew and the cops were finally going away after many a beating do to the elder god. All was peaceful and that last part was a lie. Except for the fact several demons had been forced to clean making the arena look spotless. FFF and TBT were both talking about Kain and Raz.

"But really though Mxy, a lot of these characters should be dead, I mean Raz should still be in a sword and Mobius was killed to, not to mention all the people killed," and with that Harold stopped talking and had his mouth wide open in shock. Mxy had looked at him puzzled and then he looked in the same direction as Harold. Standing before them was the barely dressed Umah. She looked at both of them and they both quickly shut their mouths and then Harold looked at him. "Like her, she should be dead. Yet she is right here defying rigger mortis and the game at the same time".

"Shut up kid, FFF told me where you put your guitars, and I wonder just how good a fender will burn," she threatened with venom in her voice.

"hey bitch, you forget if I toss a glass of water on you, you can kiss your bust good by," Harold told her back taking a swig from a water bottle. "now whey should we let you in?" he asked with Mxy backing away not wanting to be beaten to death by the vampire.

"I brought beer," she said pointing to the boxes of beer all stacked onto a dolly.

"your in, but I have one more question," he said.

"go for it," she told him eager to get away from the annoying child.

"I am not really sure if you can answer this but, does silicone really float," Harold asked her laughing to him self. He walked past her and rolled the dolly with it's beers into the garage. She stood there, mouth agape and fuming with anger.

"I am going to kill him," she said aloud.

Three un explainable hours later.

Double bass by Gorillaz was being blasted threw the speakers and all racers and authors were smashed.

"I hate my job," confessed the light weight elder god, his eye growing teary. "all I get to do is be mean and the eternal screams have made me partially deaf in my left ear," he sobbed.

"I didn't know he had a left ear," said FFF cuddling a little to closely with Raz. Umah was fighting over Kain with TBT. They tugged at each of his arms and he was smiling widely

"He's mine"

"He's mine"

"child"

"dead bitch"

"nerd"

"Lara craft has bigger boobs then you"

"GASP! Take that back"

and with those fights continuing Harold was still talking to a nearby tree. "You see, prefer Deans to Ibanez in the fact that of Floyd rose tremolos are a lot cooler when you have the drastic body style to back it up…" with that his rant was left to focus on Mxy and Clement rage trying to break the pop corn machine with their faces.

5 beer later

The Gorillaz disk had been over played so Harold took a break from his tree talk to pick up a new CD. He came back with a nameless CD.

"I burnt this a while back s-so don't be surprised if it has weird music on it" he told the now mellow group before setting the disk in and starting it. He was still loopy but he could tell the familiar drum solo and shred from any where.

"I CAN"T PLAY THE BLUES BY BUMBLEFOOT AWSOME," drunk or not he started singing the words and laughing at him self the whole way. All members of the drunken group were encouraging him and even Umah laughed at his goofy air guitar antics.

"watch this," kain told the group strapping a dean Vendetta 4.0 on Harold as he continued to actually play the song even though his drinking had made him stumble around as he played. The guitar was plugged in and he played with the song.

I play as fast as I can - I'm the Gingerbread Man  
With a fast hand - won't ya kick me outta your band  
I only play for me - I'm the king of Unity  
I'm a team of one - a defective hired gun

I play like a ham, well that makes me Spam  
And then I wonder why nobody ever wants to jam  
Cause ya feel like a pawn in a volume war  
And I'm the only one who bothers keeping score

Because I got no feel - I got no emotion  
My riffs aren't real - I just go through the motions  
I'm fulla tricks and trinkets that I always use  
I aint got much choice - I can't play the blues

And just in case I'm in a finger race  
I keep it up and I keep pretending that I win the chase  
But if ya play faster than the speed of light (according to Einstein)  
Ya go back in time - and end up in the 80's

With our big hair  
Jackets with fringes  
Stretch pants  
Mascara  
Choreographed kicking

You got a big laugh outta 70's disco  
But you became the same by a different name  
Ya forgot to change your calendar 10 years in a row  
Now ya can't find the pace of the new game

I play it like a ham, yeah with lots of spice  
I'm the Son Of Spam in a block of ice  
Yeah, I can't lay back - I get all confused  
And if I slow it down you'll see the riffs I already used

Because I got no feel - I got no emotion  
My riffs aren't real - I just go through the motions  
I'm fulla tricks and trinkets that I always use  
I aint got much choice - I can't play the blues

Yeah I actually believe that if I wail up and down a scale  
Then the world is gonna get up on their feet and yell...  
"Hail Ronald! Hail Ronald!  
Take your big head and go to Hail, Ronald!"

Yeah, I can't lay back - I get all confused  
And if I slow it down you'll see the riffs I already used  
I play like a ham, well that makes me Spam  
And then I wonder why nobody ever wants to jam

Because I got no feel - I got no emotion  
My riffs aren't real - I just go through the motions  
I'm fulla tricks and trinkets that I always use  
I aint got much choice - I can't play the blues

With the group all staring at him as he continued to play. He looked forward and asked

"whos the green guy?" and with that he fell backward and fast asleep.

"dam he ain't bad, crazy son of spam bastard" said FFF.


End file.
